


Life is a Drink and Love's a Drug

by Trickster_Angel



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Assassination Attempt(s), Canon-Typical Violence, Clubbing, Drinking, Gen, Humor, Minor Freelancer Ships, Non-Consensual Drug Use, canon compliant if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 07:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7499775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trickster_Angel/pseuds/Trickster_Angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Freelancers get one night off. They decide to spend it getting drunk at a club and having fun.</p><p>Locus, Felix, and Siris are contracted to kill several targets. And they'll be at a club for one night...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life is a Drink and Love's a Drug

**Author's Note:**

> Okay this does involve some timeline bending but the RvB timeline is so messed up, this is possible so I'm not tagging it as an AU. Just because it didn't happen doesn't mean it couldn't have. :) It takes place before the events of Club and Call for Felix and Locus and between seasons 9 and 10 for the Freelancers.  
> The title's from [Hymn for the Weekend](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YykjpeuMNEk). I highly recommend listening to it while reading.  
> Enjoy. :)

“Let’s go over the plan again,” Locus said.

Felix let out an exasperated sigh. “We’ve been over the plan five times. It hasn’t changed yet.”

“We need to get this right,” Siris snapped, “There are a lot of targets and only three of us.”

“Eight targets,” Felix replied, “There are eight targets. Are we good now?”

“No,” Locus said bluntly.

“Fine,” Felix snapped, “Eight targets and one snitch. We ID the snitch and I, posed as a waiter, will serve the drinks. Siris, who will be the bartender, will spike the drinks. We give them roofies, they pass out, we drag them into a back room and Locus will shoot them. End of story.”

“This is way too simple,” Siris said.

“What could go wrong?” Felix asked.

“Don’t answer that,” Siris warned Locus, “Let’s just get in there.”

* * *

“Can you believe we’re actually at a club?” York asked.

“The Counselor said we all have unusually high levels of anxiety and stress,” North commented.

“I think it’s more unbelievable that the Director let us take a night off,” C.T. replied.

“And that we’d choose to go to a club,” Wyoming added snidely.

None of them had been to this particular club before. But a friend of a friend of one of them had recommended it so they decided to give it a try. They all wanted to get drunk and let loose for one night.

“We’ll have fun,” Carolina said as if it was now all decided.

“Too bad 479er decided not to come with us,” North said.

“She said spending a night with her girlfriend getting laid was much better than going to a noisy club, getting sloppy drunk, and being hungover for the flight back,” Wash replied, “She’s probably been here before.”

“She’d still get laid though,” South said.

“We’re all getting laid tonight,” C.T. muttered. The group murmured their affirmation.

“Everyone except North,” York said, patting his friend on the back, “The rest of us are all partnered up.” The rest of the Freelancers started snickering.

“Sure, you believe that, York,” Carolina said with a smile. The snickering started to turn to laughter. York gave her a surprised look.

“Don’t worry about me,” North said, returning the pat on the back, “I won’t be going home alone tonight.”

South rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to hear this.”

“Then don’t think about it,” North replied.

“The line’s moving,” Wash pointed out. The other Freelancers looked to the three foot gap between them and the next people on line. They moved closer to the entrance.

* * *

Siris watched as Felix moved the club employees to the back of the room. “I don’t feel right about this,” Siris admitted.

“Look, it’s the only way we’ll be able to pull this off,” Felix said, “And it’s not like we killed them. Sure, we knocked them out. They’ll be fine. Only minor damage. And we got their uniforms. Just hope this one fits you. That guy is more muscular than you.”

Siris didn’t answer that but continued to get dressed. Felix already looked pretty good in the uniform he’d stolen.

“These people are worse than we are,” Locus added, “The world will be safer without them.”

“They don’t have any bounties,” Siris said.

“Are you getting cold feet now?” Felix asked angrily, “Look, maybe this isn’t completely legit but it’s a lot of money. And the guy who hired us says these guys are messing with his legitimate business.”

“So the informant isn’t the one who hired us?” Locus asked.

“No. She’s just a traitor. And she’s gonna get the rest of them killed. But she can keep her conscious clean if she just gives up their location and doesn’t actually kill them.” Felix shrugged.

“This still doesn’t feel right,” Siris said.

“Look, ever since that deal gone wrong, you and Megan have been harassed right? Use this money and you can buy them off. Your problems are solved. And you’re wearing someone else’s clothes. We’re already in too deep.”

Siris sighed. “Fine. Let’s get into position.” 

* * *

The line moved forward and they reached the entrance. Only Wash and C.T. were asked for IDs, which made South laugh. She and North were both thirty but she looked much younger than him, despite them being twins. Even C.T., who was twenty-seven, looked young enough that she had to be ID’ed. And Wash was completely baby-faced at twenty-five.

But once the bouncer let them pass, they entered the club. There were a lot of bright lights and loud music. There was a bar on one side of the room and a seating area on the other side. They all walked over to a table that could easily accommodate nine.

They took a seat except for York, who immediately walked over to the bar to order drinks.

* * *

“They’re here,” Felix radioed in over the comms, “They match the snitch’s description perfectly.”

“You don’t have to call her ‘the snitch’,” Locus replied.

Felix sighed.

“Are you sure?” Siris asked over the sound of clinking glasses.

“Oh, I’m sure,” Felix almost laughed, “A woman with pink highlights. Man with an obnoxious mustache. Man with long brown hair. David and Goliath. Three men with the same haircut, one of which is David, and a redhead? Yeah, totally them.”

“Which one is the informant?” Locus asked.

“Brunette,” Felix replied, “And I’ve got my eye on her.”  They all sat down on some couches on the other side of the room, except for one of the men, who headed over to the bar.

“One of them’s heading your way, Siris,” Felix said.

“I see him,” Siris replied and then smiled at the target, “What can I get for you?”

“Four beers, uh, one pinot grigio, one scotch, one screwdriver, one gin and tonic, and a,” he looked at Siris oddly, “Bluetini?”

“Right away,” Siris replied, “Where are you sitting?”

“Back on the couches,” the target replied. He walked back and Siris watched him rejoin his friends.

“Guys, how do you make a Bluetini?” Siris asked over the comms.

“What is that?” Locus asked.

“Give them anything,” Felix said, “As long as it’s blue and it’s drugged, they’ll pass out when they have it. It won’t matter.”

“Thanks,” Siris replied bluntly.

* * *

“Here are your drinks,” the waiter said.

Everyone went to grab their requested drinks from his tray. No one was surprised to see Florida take the Bluetini thing.

“Thanks,” North said, with a wink at the waiter. The waiter gave him a toothy grin, winked back and walked away.

York rolled his eyes. “North, you’re as straight as a slinky.”

“I have no intention of going home alone tonight,” he replied with a smile, “And you act like I’m the only one who’s gay here.”

“The straights are in the minority here,” South mentioned. 

York looked at the group sadly. Carolina couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“Come on, Wash,” C.T. said, spinning her screwdriver with her finger, “Take a drink.”

“Yeah, Wash,” York encouraged, “Have you ever had a drink in your life?”

“Of course I have,” he replied, “I just don’t drink on a regular occasion.”

“Now you have to prove it,” North said.

Wash looked at the Freelancers, all of whom were staring at him with devious smiles. Wash sighed and took a drink of his beer. The rest of the group cheered and laughed and Wash face palmed.

“I hate you guys,” he muttered.

“You don’t mean that,” North said.

“Well, now that the fun’s over,” York said, taking Carolina’s hand, “let’s go dance.”

“York, no,” she said, pulling her hand back. She picked up her wine.

“Come on, Carolina,” he complained. She took a sip, rolled her eyes, and went onto the dance floor with York.

* * *

“How long should it take?” Felix demanded. He watched the group intently and only saw two people drink so far. The rest were all talking and two went off to dance.

“Not very long,” Siris replied, “It’s strong. Maybe a few minutes.”

“And what should happen to them?” Locus asked.

“Dizziness, confusion, nausea, and then they should pass out,” Felix replied, “Then we put the next steps into action.”

* * *

“Guys, I don’t feel good,” Wash slurred.

The rest of the Freelancers look at him strangely. He’d only had a few sips of his beer. There was maybe a third of the drink gone.

“Wash, you’re a fucking lightweight,” South said.

“The world’s spinning,” he continued.

“This is entertaining,” Florida said, about to take a sip himself, “We should ask him to walk in a straight line.”

At that moment, Wash’s eyes rolled back and he hit the table.

All the Freelancers jumped away as if he was on fire. Florida put his drink down.

“He’s not that bad is he?” C.T. asked, looking at her nail polish with concern.

* * *

“They’re going down,” Felix said. The targets were all looking at one another and at the one who had just passed out. The flirty blond one walked over to the unconscious one’s side and shook his shoulder. He looked back at the group with a concerned expression.

“Who else took a drink?” Locus asked.

“The redhead on the dance floor,” Felix replied, “Should be any second now.”

* * *

Neither York nor Carolina knew the song that was playing. But it was fun to dance together.

“Carolina, I didn’t know you knew how to dance,” York said.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me,” she said and frowned at him, “I’m feeling lightheaded.”

“Let’s sit down,” York suggested. Carolina was gripping his shoulder hard. “Carolina, you’re hurting me.”

Her grip loosened up as she passed out. York had to catch her to prevent her from falling on the ground. He looked back at the group who, were trying to lay Wash down on the couch. He picked up Carolina bridal style and carried her back. They laid her down on the other side of the table. They all stepped back and looked at one another.

“What do we do?” C.T. asked, clearly freaking out.

“We’d normally defer to Carolina,” North remarked.

“Who’s highest on the leaderboard?” Wyoming asked.

York reached over to his girlfriend and covered her ears. “It’s Tex but she’s not here.”

“She’s unconscious,” North said.

“Better safe than sorry,” York replied, removing his hands.

“Well, who’s next on the leaderboard?” Florida asked. Everyone looked at York.

“North’s the team mom,” the newly delegated leader said. Everyone looked at North.

Before he could speak, their waiter from before walked over. “Is everything alright?” he asked.

“Do they look okay?” South demanded, gesturing towards Wash and Carolina.

“Oh,” the guy said, before sucking in air through his teeth, “Too much to drink?”

“We just got here,” Maine said. The waiter looked up at him and then scanned his eyes back down. Maine must have had a good foot and a half on the man. He was really short.

“We have a back room, if you’d like to use it. So they can recover in private,” the waiter offered.

“Sounds good,” York said.

“Thank you,” North added.

* * *

“Locus, Felix is taking them to you,” Siris said. Two of the men had picked up the unconscious members of their group and everyone was following Felix. They’d been hoping to get some more down with the drinks but seven against Locus and Felix were much better odds than nine. “I’ll follow behind as soon as they’re a good distance in.”

“Good,” Locus replied.

Siris looked back to the patrons. “So, ma’am, what can I get for you?”

* * *

The waiter led them through a door marked ‘Employees Only’.

“Are you sure this is okay?” North asked.

“Of course,” the waiter replied. He smiled at them with a toothy grin.

“I can’t believe Carolina pass out,” York said, looking at her, “She can hold her alcohol better than that.”

“And Wash passed out after a third of a bottle,” Florida mentioned.

Wyoming looked contemplative for a moment. He then leaned towards Florida and whispered, “Who else drank tonight?”

Florida assumed the same look. “Wash drank the beer and Carolina drank wine. C.T. drank too.”

“She only stirred her drink,” Wyoming corrected.

Florida thought about it for a few more moments. “I think that’s it.” Then he reached the same conclusion Wyoming did. Knowing he’d made the same assumption, Wyoming nodded at him.

“Sync,” Wyoming said quickly.

“Sync,” everyone chorused. And then they all started drawing the same conclusions.

* * *

Felix didn’t mind their bantering. He still had a mission to complete. They were only a few steps away from Locus when he heard them all say the same thing. And then he felt someone slam him into the wall.

“Alright,” the flirty blond one said darkly, “What’s going on?”

“Well I figured if anyone was gonna slam me from behind, it’d be you,” Felix replied, “I wish there were more of us here right now.”

Locus sighed over the comms.

So did Siris. “Go help him.”

“Did you drug our friends?” one of the men asked.

“Can’t say I did,” Felix replied, still grinning even as he was held from behind.

* * *

North held the waiter as Florida started asking questions. Maine and York sat Wash and Carolina so they were slumped against the wall.

“Not even one fucking night off,” South muttered.

“We’ll never get our stress levels down this way,” York replied.

At that moment, the door in front of them opened. There was a man there and he had a gun pointed at them.

Maine was the closest to him. Within seconds, Maine was the one pointing the gun back at him. The other man put his hands up in a hesitant surrender.

“This is a hit,” Wyoming stated.

“Good job, Sherlock,” South replied.

“Things are going south now,” the waiter said, “Backup would be nice.” Florida ripped something out of the waiter’s ear and crushed it under his shoe.

“What do we do with them?” C.T. asked.

“Put them in the room,” York suggested, finally taking charge, “And then we’ll wait for their backup.”

“How much backup is there?” North demanded.

“An army. Everyone in this club is here to kill you,” the waiter replied.

The other man sighed.

“How much backup is there?” Maine demanded.

“Eight more,” the other man said.

Maine, Florida and North exchanged a glance. Maine passed the gun over to Florida. At that moment, the other man pulled out a knife and went to attack Maine. That too was quickly taken.

“You’re not helping yourself,” York commented.

North reoriented the waiter to face Florida and he pistol whipped the waiter.

“What the fuck?” the waiter shouted, “That fucking hurt.”

“Answer the questions next time and it won’t hurt so much,” Florida told him darkly.

“Let’s get out of the hallway,” York suggested. They brought the two inside. Maine passed off the knife to Wyoming. He picked up the two unconscious Freelancers and leaned them in a corner.

“Does the big guy have an earpiece?” South asked.

York walked to take a look and the waiter took out a knife. He went to stab York but he caught the waiter’s wrist. Finding the right pressure points, the waiter was forced to let go of the knife and York took it from him. York then punched him in the face.

“Fuck,” he said, “I bit my fucking tongue.” The other man sighed again.

“Can we tie them up or something?” South asked, “Then we don’t have to deal with them and the backup.”

There were footsteps moving down the hallway. Florida kept his gun trained on the two in the room and York watched them with the knife in his hand. The rest turned to the door to watch for the backup.

* * *

Siris had heard the crackling sound of a comm being crushed. He could hear Locus’s voice but not Felix’s, leading him to assume they’d found Felix’s comm. He just had to get back there to help them out. Very few of the targets had gone down so they’d need help. He was keeping a gun under the bar just in case things went south.

He left the bar with no warning and went back through the ‘Employees only’ door. He didn’t see anyone. Slowly, he approached the door he knew Locus was in. He knew he was being loud but he didn’t really care.

He kicked the door open and immediately noticed five people staring angrily at him. In the second it took him to register that, one of them was fighting him for the gun.

The gun was pointed at the ground and the target was shoving his shoulder into Siris to try and get the gun. It was pointed towards Siris and before he knew what was happening, the trigger was pulled. The bullet ricocheted off his prosthetic leg and that took the target off guard. Siris managed to knee him in the stomach. He was grabbed from behind and the gun pointed in the air. It fired twice.

Locus went in to take the gun away from the target. Felix rushed in as well and easily got the knife back. The man grabbed his hand to prevent himself from getting stabbed.

“Guys,” the target said, “I could use a hand here.”

Felix registered that there was someone coming and then he got punched in the face. He kept his grip on the knife and came in again, nicking his assailant’s shoulder. The first man hit him in the stomach and then he was kicked in the face. Felix fell over, the knife clattered on the ground. He could feel the blood gushing out of his nose. And he definitely didn’t want to get back up.

Locus got a hold on the gun and kicked the target. He released the gun but then did a spinning kick that hit Locus’s arm. The gun flew across the room.

Another of the targets came at him. She aimed a punch at his face that he blocked. The other target was behind him and Locus was distracted when the second punch came. He attempted to back up but he was tripped from behind by the other target. He fell to the ground.

The informant ran for the gun he dropped and aimed it at him. He attempted to get up and she fired. The shot hit the wall instead of him so the other woman just kicked him in the face. Locus went down and stayed down.

Siris was the last one standing. Whoever grabbed him from behind kneed him in the back. He stumbled forward but finally gave up his grip on the gun. One of the targets moved in front of him and kicked him in the stomach. Another hit him from behind. As he fell forward, he got kneed in the chest. When he hit the ground, he didn’t want to move anymore. Locus and Felix were in the same situation. They weren’t going to win this one. He closed his eyes, eager to avoid more punishment.

* * *

For a moment, they all stood over their handiwork. The three would-be assassins were lying on the ground. The bartender and the other man were apparently unconscious but the waiter was groaning in pain.

“Despite what he said, I think this is it,” York said. Everyone else murmured in agreement.

“Give me that,” South said, taking the gun from C.T. She aimed it at the waiter.

“Wait,” North said, aiming the gun out of the way. The waiter jumped a little when the shot went off next to his head but he didn’t move any more than that.

“What?” South demanded.

“We’re going to do this the right way,” North said, “They’re not going anywhere. Let’s get the authorities. We’re not killers.”

“There’s a collapsed hundred story building that might beg to differ,” Wyoming said nonchalantly.

“Oh, you actually remember that after you were shot and passed out,” C.T. replied in the same tone.

Wyoming and North both glared at her. The waiter snorted in amusement. North looked at him and ripped the gun away from his sister. He fired it on the other side of the waiter’s head in warning. From the way his eyes widened, he got the message.

South decided that wasn’t enough, calmly walked over to him and kicked him in the head like she’d kick a soccer ball. The waiter’s eyes closed.

“That’s different,” North said, returning the gun to C.T., “We need to contact the right people and keep ourselves clean. Besides, Wash and Carolina could be poisoned and not drugged. We need to get them to a hospital.”

“You’re right,” York said, picking up Carolina, “let’s go.”

Maine picked up Wash. They all ducked down the hallway, watching the men until they were all out of the room.

* * *

The targets raced away and their retreated footsteps echoed down the hall. The door to the club was thrown open and violently slammed shut. For a moment, the room was completely silent.

“Do you ever wonder why we’re here?” Felix asked.

“Shut up, Felix!” Locus and Siris said at once.

“No. It fucking keeps me up at fucking night why I’m fucking lying on the fucking floor of a fucking club with the fucking shit beaten out of me, because I fucking drug people for a fucking living, because no one fucking told me they were fucking super soldiers!”

Siris’s arm reached over and touched Felix’s knee.

“What the fuck was that?” Felix asked.

“Comfort but I can’t move anymore,” Siris replied.

“Last time I hurt this much it was my birthday and there were three marines. It was a good day.” Felix sighed in contentment.

“All three at once?” Siris asked.

“Who cares?” Locus said calmly.

All three lay on the floor in silence for a moment, not one of them moving.

“They’re going to get the police,” Locus mentioned.

“We should move,” Siris said.

All three groaned loudly.

* * *

The Freelancers ran down the hall, and threw the door open that led into the club. All seven burst into the room. They must have looked ridiculous as they stood there, Wash slung over Maine’s shoulder and Carolina in York’s arms. But they didn’t bother to stop and take in the stares. They ran to the entrance where the bouncer was. He looked at them like they were crazy as they ran up to him.

“There are three guys in a back room. They drugged our friends and tried to kill us all,” North said.

“One was a waiter and the other was a bartender,” York added.

The bouncer nodded and got on the radio, “We have a problem in the back room.”

“They were armed,” C.T. added, “Two of them had guns.”

“Do they still have them?” the bouncer asked.

“No, we have them,” Wyoming said as he and C.T. took out the guns.

The bouncer looked at the guns questioningly and then back at the Freelancers. Especially at Maine with Wash slung over his shoulder.

“What happened to them?” the bouncer asked slowly.

“We had to defend ourselves,” South replied.

The radio chimed and a voice came over, “We checked the back rooms. There’s no one there.”

“Roger that,” the bouncer replied and looked at the Freelancers suspiciously. They all looked at each other, making the same realizations the bouncer was.

“I know what you’re thinking,” York said quickly, “You think we’re lying. Well, we’re not and our friends were drugged. We’re just gonna drive them to the hospital to make sure they’re okay.” They all moved out of the way, keeping the guns for themselves. They walked a block out of the way before calling for an ambulance.

* * *

 It took three hours for Wash and Carolina to wake up. The hospital identified the drug they’d been given and, unlike the bouncer, didn’t seem to believe that the other Freelancers were responsible for it.

Expecting that the two would be out soon, they’d been put in the same room to recover. They all found plastic chairs and set them up in the room. North had to call for an early pickup and was the only one missing when the two Freelancers recovered consciousness.

“Where are we?” was the first question out of Carolina’s mouth.

“My head still hurts,” Wash remarked, “How much did I drink?”

“We’re in a hospital,” York said.

“And you drank a third of a bottle of beer,” South told Wash.

“Really?” Wash asked, “That’s the last time I drink.”

“It looked like the first from where we were standing,” York commented. Most of the other Freelancers nodded in agreement.

“I hate you guys,” Wash said.

“Are we not gonna mention that they were both drugged?” Florida asked nonchalantly. That got Wash and Carolina’s attention.

“We were drugged?” Carolina asked.

“For the past three hours, yeah,” C.T. said.

“By who?” Wash asked.

“Remember the waiter North flirted with?” South asked, “Him.”

“And the bartender,” York added.

“And there was one more man,” Wyoming remarked.

“What happened?” Carolina asked, starting to become more panicked.

“We beat them up and got you guys to a hospital. They escaped,” York admitted.

At that moment, North walked back into the room. He smiled when he saw Carolina and Wash. “Glad you’re awake,” he said.

“Where did you go to?” Carolina asked.

He took a seat in one of the chairs and said, “I was calling 479er. She’ll be here in an hour. I told her what happened and now she’s sorry she missed it.”

“Sounds like her,” Wash commented.

“She still plans on getting laid though. Hence, the wait.”

“Sounds even more like her,” C.T. muttered.

“Anyway, one of the doctors should be in soon,” North added, “Then hopefully they’ll let you guys out.”

“And if not we break out,” Carolina said. Everyone knew she wasn’t kidding.

“And this will be the last time the Director lets us out for any fun,” C.T. lamented. And everyone knew she was right.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment or kudos if you liked it. :)


End file.
